I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
how does that bad decision feel?
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