I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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