Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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