My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
