someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
