If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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