i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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