I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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