she woke up with a sticky ear
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
we should paint friendship bongs
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