drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
