my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize