is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
