Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Randomize
