Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
