You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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