you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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