Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
