even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
