I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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