...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
