I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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