does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
