Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize