Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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