I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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