Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
