my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
