...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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