its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
