Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
