you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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