i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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