Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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