I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
