He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
