we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
