I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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