My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
