why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
