Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
