did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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