i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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