brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
