so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
