what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
