Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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