i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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