Christians are straight up FREAKS
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
