Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
