I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
