i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
