dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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