I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
