you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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