You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
