quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
