I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
