Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
