Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
