i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
