12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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