A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
