The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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